A Different Bond

by crobertson

Since Braeden has been born, really the first 10 minutes of his life, I’ve been nursing.  Every day, every hour!  For the first two months he would be up at 3:00am, I would nurse.  Then he started to sleep through the night.  I miss that time.  I miss seeing him and being with him, lying next to him.  Then I started school and had to pump, pump, pump.  I miss spending that intimate time with him.  Someone else gets to, and I’m just like a machine.

Recently, I’ve made a dramatic change.  A change that says I’m not going to be your little, little, little baby anymore.  A change that says, I NEED you a little less.

Every night before bed I would nurse Braeden and read a story to him.  Every night.  Every night since we brought him home.  Every night.  As I prepare him to move from the bottle to a cup I have to prepare him to not nurse before bed.  This has been quite a difficult time for me, he’s adjusting so well, but me…not so much.  I already miss this time with him.  Relaxing together.  Bonding.  At first he was squirming while I tried to read.  Fussy.  Even breaking out into tears.  A week has past and he’s still squirming, fussing and crying but it’s a little less.  Pretty soon he won’t at all and I will probably be done nursing.  I can’t put it into words how this hurts me.  Last night as I was reading I thought to myself, when one thing goes, another thing comes.  He won’t be squirmy, fussy or crying.  We won’t have “that” bond.  We will be “really” reading together.  He will “really” be listening and enjoying.  We will be sharing a different bond and I’m ok with that.