I’m Not Ready

by crobertson

It was Tuesday.  January 27th.  7:48pm.

“Braeden, come-on, it’s time for bed.”  My hand reached for the faucet, water flowing.  “Hello”  Chris is home.  Braeden is so excited, he runs to daddy.  “I need to talk to you.”  “Right now.”  “Yes.”  I look up into the bathroom mirror, roll my eyes.  Doesn’t he know I’m trying to get things ready so Braeden can get to bed.  “RIGHT NOW!”  “Yes, right now.”  I walk down the hall, around the corner.  Aggravation is building up.  Just as I’m about to say my peace.  “You need to call your mom right now.”

His face.

My eyes widen.

Lips begin to quiver.

“Everything is ok, but she’s in the hospital.”  Tears are welling up.  “What?”  “What happened?”  I can feel the blood leaving my body.  Sinking to the floor.  “She tried to call you 3 or 4 times.”  “She’s ok, she said something about her blood pressure.”

I’m not ready for this.  I’m not ready to hear the words, “mom is in the hospital.”  I’m not ready to be reminded that life will end one day.  I’m not ready.

“Hi Mom”  I can’t contain myself.  “I’m so sorry”  “Oh hunny, everything is ok.”  “I wasn’t there for you.”  “I’m so sorry mom.”  I can barely speak.  Trying to catch my breath.  “I-I-I’m so sorry.”  “Hunny everthing is ok.”  “I’m ok.”  “I l-l-love you mom.”  “I know, I know.”

I listen as my mom tells me of what happened and when.  I ask, making sure to get all the details.  I ask, making sure the doctors are taking care of her.  I listen.  I really listen to my mom’s voice.  How it sounds.  I listen as she tries to joke around with me, trying to make me smile, trying to take away the pain.  Being my mom.  Like I was a little girl again.  Going to my mom with tears.  Her comforting me.  Telling me everything is ok.  I need my mom.  I’m not ready for this.