I Thought I Needed It

by crobertson

I had to get out.  Out of the house.  I had enough.  Enough sceaming, hitting, yelling, crying, battle after battle, constantly on edge…I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I have to get out” I told my husband.

Walking out of the bedroom, I find my little man.

“Mommy is leaving for a little bit, ok Braeden.  I will be back soon.”

As I sat in the car, a rush of excitement came over me.  I was going to run to the store and I could be carefree.  I was going to run to another store to make a return and the whole process would be quick as lightning.  Last I was going to a coffee shop to sit down and write.  I would no longer be sitting at 10 o’clock trying to put thoughts together despite being exhausted from the day.  And these days, life has been exhausting.

I went to both stores, took care of buisness.  But found myself wandering.  Maybe I was waiting to hear the little voice that holds my heart.  I never heard it.  I left.

So here I am.  With my coffee.  With my snack.  Writing.  But I am not feeling as great as I thought.  In fact I am feeling quite empty. Lost.  Every time someone opens the door, I glance, and slowly return to my screen.

Swollowing my tears, so no one can see the pain in my heart.  I really thought I needed this break.  I thought I was going to explode if I did not get some space.  What I realize sitting here is that I need my family.  Any way.  Any mood.  Any behavior.  Any chaos.

I have to get out.  Out of the coffee shop.  I have had enough.  I miss my family.